Tunnel Vision and Recommended Reading

I have been plugging away on my manuscript, almost to the point of obsession. In my ideal world, I would stay in my pajamas all day to read and write (and sometimes, I do). I've been bad about returning phone calls and emails. I need to fall off the radar sometimes in order to focus on my writing. I want nothing more than to finish this book, do the story justice, and be proud of the work that I've accomplished. I apologize to any friends and family who I've neglected in the process. Right now, I have tunnel vision, and after two years of writing diligently, I know the end is near.

I have a goal set, and I'm on a mission to reach it now that I've secured an editor who is very well-connected in the publishing world. I aim to have the manuscript finished by December. The editor has agreed to read my book, offer her professional feedback, and guide me through the process of securing an agent (if need be) and getting published. She has a long-standing history working for a major publishing house, and she currently serves as a freelance editor and hosts workshops for aspiring authors. I'm so grateful to have made this connection!

I am watching the pieces of the puzzle click together and take shape. I think about my project non-stop, and at this point, I've read just about every book I can find on the topic of depression and suicide. However, the books that I'm drawn to are not authored by professionals (with the exception of a few authors who've had direct experiences with depression, bi-polar disorder or suicide).

I write at home, in bookstores and in coffee shops. Sometimes, being surrounded by books inspires me to work on my own, and I find comfort in this environment.

I was taking a break from one of my book store writing sessions when I decided to peruse the psychology section (once again). This time, however, I found a book that stopped me in my tracks. The book is called His Bright Light, and it's written by Danielle Steel, one of the world's most successful authors. Published in 2000, the book is an autobiography and a tribute to her son, Nick Traina, who took his own life at age 19. I purchased the book immediately, and, for a number of reasons, I haven't been able to put it down since. First, I was amazed to discover that one of the world's most famous authors had written a book on the very subject that I'm tackling. The similarities between the events that transpired are startling (Nick was the same age as Brad when he died by suicide and their deaths were only 10 months apart), while our stories are very different. Second, this is the first piece of literature that I've come across that is written in a similar voice as my own. There are so many "professional" books on the market, but very few are real-life accounts by the people who have been most impacted by suicide and depression. I'm guessing this is because the topic is still considered so taboo in our society. Quite frankly, it makes people uncomfortable, and it's easier to brush it under the rug than to confront it head-on. Plus, many suicide survivors and people who suffer from depression choose to cover things up or hide from the reality of it. It's not often that those who suffer want to air their dirty laundry and openly share their weakest moments. (I think about this often, and it's my biggest fear when it comes to my own writing). With that said, I think Danielle Steel is a brave woman, and I honor her for sharing her son's story.

In addition to His Bright Light, here are a few other books that have inspired me greatly:

No Time to Say Goodbye by Carla Fine
Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison
Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser

The Dark Side of Reality TV

"Reality" TV shows are becoming commonplace in our society. And based on show ratings, it's apparent that the general public has an insatiable interest in this growing trend in TV programming.

According to a recent article published on Truth.net, more people watched "American Idol" and "Dancing with the Stars" in the past two weeks than voted in the Presidential election in 2008, one of the most definitive elections so far in our lifetime. The article goes on to say, "the statistics surrounding reality TV suggest that we have checked out from reality and what really is."

And here is a disturbing look at "what really is": There have been more than 11 instances of former reality TV show contendors who have died by suicide. What's more... their deaths have been directly linked to the emotional trauma resulting from their reality TV ventures.

Larry King tackles the issue in this shocking and informative segment:


I have included a few additional news stories about reality TV show suicides. The first, titled "Dangers of Reality Television," examines the heart-breaking truth regarding what happened to these contestants after the shows aired:
Dangers of Reality Television

Psychologists speak about Reality TV show emotional trauma in this Wrap.com feature.

And this article profiles a case in which a young mother took her own life after a terrible encounter on the Nancy Grace show. Prior to appearing in court, the show's creator/ host pleaded to silence cameras in the courtroom. Fortunately, the judge did not comply: CNN article

I should also mention that uncovering this information was not easy. Stories like those listed above very rarely make national headlines, and if they do, it's for a very short period of time. After all, news about emotional trauma and suicides directly linked to reality TV would not promote a positive image for these ever-so-popular, revenue-generating shows. Could the media have anything to do with this highly newsworthy information being omitted from the general public? I'll let you be the judge of that. I should also mention that Reality TV show contestants are required to sign iron-clad confidentiality agreements, which prevent them from telling their sides of the story.

I am very interested to hear your thoughts...

Stop and Listen

Do you ever feel as though you're on autopilot? There are times when we do things because we just do them. Going through the motions, without much thought.... like brushing your teeth or turning onto the road where you live. I think we sometimes get into autopilot mode with music, too. We love the way a song sounds or how it makes us feel, but we don't really investigate the message behind it. Eventually, the music becomes habitual. Maybe we even sing along, without letting the words sink in.

I know that I'm guilty of this, and things slide by when I'm not paying attention. I've always considered 311 one of my favorite bands, and I've heard their songs time and time again. Same with Pearl Jam and Red Hot Chili Peppers. But I experienced songs by these artists and others, in a different way tonight, after doing a Google search for lyrics about suicide...

311: Beyond the Gray Sky


Red Hot Chili Peppers: The Otherside


Both of the above songs are on my Ipod, and I've seen 311 live on four different occassions. As for the following song... not only did I see it performed live, I was sitting on the side of the stage (thanks to a friend's connection at 98 Rock). But due to a generous supply of free beer backstage, I let these lyrics fly right over my head that night. I did, however, pay closer attention when I heard the song on the radio shortly thereafter.

Papa Roach, Last Resort


It dawned on me that I need to practice the art of 'listening and learning.' And if well-known musicians can tackle the taboo topic of suicide, then so can I. There are lots of negative opinions surrounding depression and people with suicidal tendencies. I sometimes worry about that, and I often need to remind myself that this work is much more important than the mindset of asanine critics.

This is the song I heard on the radio this evening, which sparked tonight's research project:
P.O.D. Youth of the Nation


And here's one more that resonated, particularly because survivors are heard here...


I'm fucking tackling this shit, and I'm not going to worry about what people may say or think. I've stopped reading the ignorant comments posted to news stories about suicide, by people who have no compassion. There will always be critics. There will always be people who don't agree or people who won't understand. But if we fall prey to what others might think, then we lose sight of why we are here in the first place. And I am here to write this book.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I need to write about writing sometimes because the subject matter can be so emotionally draining. These blog "pep talks" help me to process thoughts and move forward with the book project.

The Puzzle

I have 22 chapters in the works. In the past month or so, I have been writing non-stop. I am allowing myself to let words fall onto paper, without over-analyzing content, grammar, punctuation or layout. That will come later. The writing process is turning out to be a puzzle, of sorts...

I am learning not to critique my work during the creative process, as content is my focus. The story is the most important part. I've examined the puzzle to ensure that each piece is accounted for. I am beginning to snap the pieces together, one at a time. Sometimes, the sections are not compatible. When that happens, I put them into a "MISC" file. Eventually, I create a place for everything, though. Sometimes, I need to re-arrange and move things, until it all fits together the way it's supposed to. I'm finding that the puzzle is now transforming. I can see the outline of my words, and content is filling the open spaces. Productivity feels good.

I love when I get into flow with my writing. When words come straight from the heart, they are true. Flow occurs when I have the ability to type as fast as I think. My heartbeat quickens, and I don't have time to second-guess truth when it spills onto paper.

Positive intentions are set. I am writing this book in Brad's name. In his suicide letter to me, he said that he admired my great work ethic. He said that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. So, I'm honoring him in this way. His beautiful spirit is the driving force behind my work. I don't want him to be remembered as the guy who died by suicide. Instead, my hope is that by sharing this story, his legacy will live on in a positive way... that he will inspire people to avoid silent suffering and realize that they are not alone.

And for those who have dealt with the tragic loss of a loved one to suicide... you are not alone, either.

I'm also writing this book for me, and I'm writing it for anyone who has ever suffered from feelings of self-hatred. I want people who are plagued with depression to know that it doesn't have to be a death-sentence. I aim to tackle the toxic stigmas surrounding suicide. There are lots of conflicting views on this topic, and I know that my book will be controversial but I won't let that hold me back. The message is too important, and I have no room in the creative process for fear and self-doubt. Instead, I'm guided by my desire to communicate truth and conjur feelings of understanding, compassion and hope.

My journals are intense... just the other day, I read the forgotton words, "At least I have my writing. I know that this is my safe place, and I know that no one will read this..." It's ironic that I am re-visiting these words from a different perspective, now. My safe place is no longer my private sanctuary. Confronting my fears and vulnerabilities with the intention of helping others is what I will do.

The book will be finished this year. In the past month, my "Patience" mentality has shifted to "Action." The puzzle is taking shape.