Monday, May 25, 2009

Diving into Darkness

"Some of the brightest lights come out of the darkest nights."
- Ricky Roberts III

It's amazing how people come into your life at just the right moment. The quote above is by an incredibly talented and inspirational writer who also happens to be my neighbor. I've lived four doors down from him for almost two years now, yet we never had a real conversation until last week.

Last Tuesday was a strange day... I was feeling a strong desire to write, but I was making excuses for not doing it. The fact of the matter is, it's been challenging to gain the courage I need to confront my truth. In order to find the light, I must first dive into the darkness.

I was struggling with these thoughts, and I was having a hard time focusing my energy on pursuing the task at hand. I knew that I needed to write, but I was being pulled away from it due to insecurity, fear and self-doubt.

Before leaving work that day, I posted a status update on Facebook, where I mentioned Christabel Zamor's new book, "Hooping." A few months ago, she asked me to provide a quote for it. I have yet to read the book, but as far as I know, my quote made it through the final round of edits. In the same status update, I mentioned Theresa Rose's book, "Opening the Kimono." Theresa is a Sarasota-based author who I met at the Hoop Path FL workshops back in February. I've stayed in touch with her via Facebook. In fact, she's scheduled to read an excerpt from her book at one of my upcoming hoopdance classes.

As I drove home from work, I kept thinking about my life and my purpose. I felt a strong desire to write but there was still hesitation in the back of my mind. Confronting the demons would be a true test of resilience.

When I got home, I took my dog for a walk and called a friend who I hadn't spoken to in a while. We talked about following your heart... even if it means making sacrifices in order to do what you love.

I hung up the phone and ran into my neighbor, Ricky. We ended up having the most amazing conversation. I found out that he's a youth advocate and published author. His books are about self-love, living life to the fullest and discovering your purpose. The conversation ended with a big hug, and he gave me a copy of his most recent book, "Where Did the Gift Go?"

Ricky's book is exactly what I needed at that moment. In the past few days, I've been able to dive into my darkness and write from the heart - raw and real, without reservation. I hand-wrote sixteen pages in my journal yesterday. I worked on at least five chapters of my book over the weekend, and I also started to bookmark pages in my journals that are relevant to my story.

The old journals are the hardest part for me. I'm reading words that bring back dark memories. I've shed a few tears in the past few days, for multiple reasons, but I'm balancing my sad moments with inspirational words from Ricky's book. When the subject matter that I'm writing about becomes too intense, I read another chapter of "Where Did the Gift Go," and I feel better.

It's been a long time coming, and I think Carol's death was a reminder (yet again) of how precious life is and that tomorrow is not a guarantee. We must follow our hearts and make the best of this life we're given.

The first journal I picked up this weekend was from 2003. When I opened it, I randomly landed on a page that listed the things I'd like to accomplish in this lifetime. The first item on that list was: Write a Book.

I know that the time is now, and I know that I'm supported. I'm erasing the word "fear" from my vocabulary. I'm letting my heart lead the way into the darkness to find the light.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I Love You

This post is indirectly related to my book in the sense that we have the ability to find light in the darkest of situations... it's more of a journal entry than anything else, and it's a message that I feel compelled to share.

If you are reading this, then the message is for you. I love you. Regardless of how well I know you or what our history may be, I have love for you.

So often, we don't take the time to tell each other how we feel. We don't let people know that we care. I want you to know that you are loved. You are supported. I care. Whether I know you well or I've had limited contact with you, something brought you here, at this moment. And at this moment, I am communicating a message of love to you. At this moment, I am making a personal vow to show appreciation for people and life, in general. I vow to approach each day with an open heart. Every moment is a gift, and there's no guarantee that tomorrow will come.

Many times, it take tragedies for raw emotion to surface. A tragedy is what prompted this blog... writing is my therapy. It always has been, and the message that I want to share is that life is precious, and it should never be taken for granted. Something bad happened yesterday. Something really bad. A beautiful soul left this world in a heartbreaking way. I received a call around 3 p.m. and was told that a friend of mine was found dead outside of her home... a block away, there was another crime scene where her husband's body was discovered. Police were calling it a murder/suicide, saying that it was domestic in nature. The details were vague.

After crying my eyes out in disbelief and total confusion, I got into my car and drove to their house. Reason being, my friend has two huskies that she loved dearly. Her family lives out of state, and I couldn't stomach the possibility of the dogs being separated or ending up in the pound. I know that if this had happened to me, she would have taken in my dog without a second thought.

I called the police department, in an effort to communicate my intent and offer to take the huskies (Sasha and Shyanne) but I didn't get much information on the dogs' whereabouts. So, I arrived at the house to find multiple police vehicles, officers from the forensics unit, reporters and neighbors gathered there. The police told me that a neighbor was temporarily caring for the dogs and that they would take my name and number. They wouldn't tell me which neighbors picked up the dogs or where Sasha and Shyanne were being held. I got in my car and started to drive away when I saw a few ladies gathered nearby. I approached them and explained that I was a friend, offering to care for the dogs. One of the ladies got into my car and took me to the house where she believed the dogs were being held. A woman answered the door - eyes red and puffy. I introduced myself and mentioned that I just wanted to leave my name and number, in case I could help with the dogs in any way. The woman recognized me, and I realized that I had met her before. She invited me in, and there were a couple other people there who I had also met in the past through our mutual friend. Come to find out, the family still had not been notified... the police were still working to contact them. Permanent decisions about Sasha and Shyanne will be made by the family. So, the dogs are in a safe place until then.

We talked for a while and I learned more about what happened. As far as anyone knows, there were no former incidents of abuse. I knew her husband also... always smiling, always joking. They were carefree, laid-back, good-hearted people. They separated about two weeks ago, and he was living with a neighbor a couple blocks away. Apparently, a few days would go by and they would spend time together again. Their marriage was rocky but they still saw each other regularly.

We won't know what happened for sure until the autopsy report comes back. It's obvious that a fight broke out, but we don't know if he pushed her, hit her, or if she fell, in an effort to flee the situation. All we know is that she was trying to exit the house when it happened. She has injuries on her upper torso, and her body was found on her front doorstep at 7:30 a.m. yesterday by a neighbor who was out for a morning walk.

The lights were turned off and the house was locked. A couple blocks away, her husband was found in her jeep. He pulled into the garage, closed the door and left the jeep running. Even though the police have not reported it yet, we know that he died from carbon monoxide poisoning.

In my experiences with death, I've found that those who shine the brightest lights are often the ones who go before their time. I want to explain for a moment about the kind of person my friend was... she hired me at the company I've been with for almost four years now. Over time, we developed a friendship, even though there was a 20 year age difference between us. I looked up to her and respected her. When I bought my house a year and a half ago, she was proud of me. I was willing to sacrifice some luxuries in order to be a home owner. I didn't have furniture for my second bedroom; I didn't have cable and I didn't care about those things. I was a home owner before the age of 30. That was a goal, and it felt good to accomplish it. Soon after I bought my house, this friend invited me over because she said she had some things for me. "Some things" turned out to be: a grill, gardening supplies, beautiful plants that she had cut and boxed for me so I could start a garden, a dog bed, a doggie house, a bed (with boxspring and mattress) for my second bedroom, and the list goes on... her generosity blew me away. Not only did she give me all of these things, she drove over with her husband and helped me move them in and get settled.

Every time a news story would run about Hoola Monsters, I would receive a call from her. I could hear the sincerity in her voice when she told me she was proud of me. A couple years ago, I went on a trip to New York City but the zipper on my winter coat was broken. I happened to mention this to her, and she came to the office the next day with three coats for me to choose from for my trip. Not long ago, she was laid off from our company due to budget cuts. I know that it was a hard time for her, but she always seemed to remain positive. She would still come to see me at the beach on Sundays... she knew that I went there to practice, and she made special trips to see me. She believed in the things that I'm passionate about. She brought friends there, and she supported me and encouraged me to follow my dreams and pursue my passions. I saw her at the drum circle two weeks ago... at the time, a crowd had gathered as I was hooping. I looked out to see her smiling face, and I threw my hoop to the ground and gave her a huge hug. We chatted for a moment, and she introduced me to her mom who was visiting at the time. My last memory of her will be that big hug, her magnificent smile and the sun setting in the distance. She's going to be missed dearly.

Death opens up the survivor's soul. It's an introspective experience that causes you to confront reality. There are no guarantees. There are no second chances.

Please do me a favor today and call or visit someone. Tell them how much you care. Approach each day with honesty and integrity. Know that life is a gift. Have no fear in seeking out truth and discovering beauty. Live in the moment, and love with your entire being. I don't know where this quote came from, but it's one of my favorites:

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present."

I love you.