Birthday Bliss!

Today is my 30th Birthday, and I feel good. That, in itself, is a huge accomplishment.

As mentioned in my previous blog, July 22 has not always been a day of celebration for me. In fact, for many years, I would grow anxious, bitter and sad as my birthday approached. Because July 22 is also the date of my cousin's funeral, I associated my birthday with his death.

I have a "Brad Box." It's a red and yellow tin box with a sun on it. Inside, there are pictures, poems, stories, newspaper articles and small items that remind me of my cousin. The box also contains a stack of birthday cards that were given to me at his funeral. I've read the messages many times, and most of them are filled with sorrow and grief.

It's interesting how a specific event can affect your mindset on that same day, moving forward...

For a long time, I would have my friends and family promise not to make a big deal out of my birthday. I would opt to stay home and be alone with my thoughts instead. The last thing I wanted to do was celebrate my life on the anniversary of his death. During my deepest throws of depression, I would question my purpose in being here. I hated the idea of celebrating the day I was born, and I found myself wishing that it would have been me who passed on instead of Brad.

And then there were the years where I would go out with my friends and try not to think of it... this typically resulted in me drinking myself into complete and total inebriation. I would end up arguing with someone - usually my sister or a friend - and the night would always end with me in tears.

I remember one particular birthday (my 27th), where a group of friends suggested that we go out for a nice, relaxed birthday dinner. A couple of them knew that I was sensitive about my birthday, and they ensured me that we would just have dinner. No bars, clubs, etc. At first, I hesitated but they convinced me that it was a good idea. After all, it was the weekend and I hadn't done anything on my birthday the previous year. So, we decided to meet at a restaurant, and I made the reservation for a party of 12.

On the morning of July 22, I received a phone call that my stepdad's sister had died unexpectedly from a brain hemorrhage. She was home, cooking dinner the night before, when she fell to the kitchen floor and was pronounced dead about an hour later. She was young, in good health, and her sons were the same age as me and my sister. They had spent every holiday with us for the past 8 years, and while I wasn't extremely close with her, the news was devistating and heart-breaking for the family... especially for my stepfather who was battling cancer then.

Throughout the day, I started to receive more calls. Jaime couldn't make it to dinner. Then, Cathy had something come up. Ashley wouldn't be there, and neither would Katie. One by one, my friends were bailing on our dinner plans. When I arrived at the restaurant that night, only two of my girlfriends had showed up. So, my boyfriend at the time called his buddies to fill some of the empty seats. I took the event as a sign... my birthday was not worthy of celebration.

Now, three years later, I can honestly say that I am in a good place on my 30th birthday. The past two years, in particular, have been transformational. I've changed so many things about my life, including: my thought process, my food choices, the activities that fascinate me, my creative outlets, and the overall outlook that I now have regarding my purpose here on Earth. I am no longer a victim of circumstance, and I will not feel sorry for myself.

I also choose to be surrounded by positive people who inspire me. The company we keep holds so much weight on our mental health and well-being...

So, as I enter my 30's, I've decided to make the following promises to myself. This is my credo:

• When inspiration strikes, I am going to honor it. I will not put the things I'm passionate about on the back burner. Passion and inspiration are now my driving forces.
• I will finish writing my first book, and when it's done, I will have it published. I will share my story with as many people as I possibly can. And when I'm busy promoting my first book, I will be simultaneously working on the second.
• I will make a difference in this world.
• I will accept the things that I can not change, but I will not dwell on them.
• I will not question my self-worth. I know that I am appreciated and valued.
• I will spend more time with nature. I will sit with sunsets and sunrises, and I will camp out as often as possible.
• I will make it on my own as a young entrepreneur on a mission.
• I will respond to the negativity I encounter with kindness.
• I will become a fire staff-spinning badass.
• I will tell my family and friends that I love them as often as possible.
• I will be the best me that I can be.
• I will not only face my fears, I will crush them
• I will invest much more time at the bellydance studio and at the gym. I want to be a freak of nature like Evelyn Tosi (the jazz instructor from the studio where I teach). She is a 50-year-old in a 20-year-old's body.
• I am going to transform my body, just like I transformed my mind. I am being realistic, though, and I'm not setting weight loss goals. Instead, my intentions are to feel good, eat right and make sure that my exercise routine is a direct reflection of the activities I enjoy.
• I will read as many books as I possibly can.
• I will take the time to LISTEN, BREATHE and BE
• I will inspire my hoop dance students to feel good and accomplish their goals - not just in class, but in life.
• I will smile, laugh and love

11 Years

Today is the anniversary of Brad's death. I am always emotional on July 20. I woke up feeling sad. It's been 11 years, which seems surreal.

I sometimes worry that I will forget what his voice sounded like or that I won't remember his facial expressions. Other times, I feel guilty because I don't think about him as much as I used to. I actually think this is a good thing, even though the guilt creeps in, and here's why:

July 20 was the most hellacious day of my life. I've never felt grief like that before. At first, I would cry so hard that I'd make myself sick - literally. I would hide in my room from the rest of the world, feeling awful... being sucked into the black hole in my heart.

Thinking of him is one thing. Thinking of the aftermath is something else. So, when I say that it's a good thing that I don't think of him as much as I used to - it's because for a long time, it was all wrapped into one... thinking of Brad was directly linked to hurt and pain. Thankfully, I am now able to separate the two.

Thinking of him looks like this: a bright, clear blue sky. Us on the boat. The sun beaming down, water sparkling and a grin on Brad's face as he tilts his head toward the warmth and closes his eyes. Every time I think of him, that same image appears: Sunshine.

Thinking of the aftermath looks like this:
The hurt in my uncle's eyes, the first time I saw my aunt after it happened, the piercing pain in my chest, my sister's face crumbling with sadness, my grandma holding my hand at the funeral while people handed me birthday cards, my younger cousin withdrawing from the family and then becoming an asshole. The fucking aftermath...

I still feel sad and heartsick because I miss him but now, I am more aware. I also know that I'm not "cured" from depression. I will always be more fragile on this day. It's something that I have to be conscious of. The triggers set off episodes. Triggers are the hard things in life that cause your thoughts to spiral out of control. Some of my worst episodes were on July 20 - the day he died - and July 22 - the day of Brad's funeral (and also my birthday). The triggers will always be there, and I understand that I need creative outlets to deal with them... writing is one way. Meditation through the hoop is another. These outlets keep me in check.

Chrissy wrote something in the Brad book that comforts me (The Brad book is the journal that stays at his cross)... "May the sun always shine on you." I know that the sun IS always shining on Brad, because when I think of him now, I can't see him any other way.

Turning the Page

When one chapter closes, take a deep breath and sit with it for a moment but do not dwell. Accept what is, and then turn the page.

We don't choose what happens in our lives, but we do choose how we handle things. The old me would have spent last night in tears. The new me went out dancing.

I am proud of myself for the way I handled the end of this particular chapter. I confronted my truth, and I told him how I feel. Now, I am free of worry and distress. Reflecting on this situation, I have no regrets. I know what my spirit needs, and I am going to feed it with the things that make me happy. If and when a partner joins me on the journey, I will be grateful, but I won't sit and wait for him to arrive. I will move forward on my path, and I will stay true to who I am.

So the story goes...
We agreed to see each other yesterday evening. It was his last night here before going back to California. We spoke on the phone as I drove home from work, and he said that he was having dinner with his family. We talked about going bowling, hanging out at my house or I might come to meet him at the beach. I was planning to enjoy my time with him and be present in the moment. I was hoping for a happy, relaxed evening full of smiles and laughter. I had a book to return to him as well.

During our phone conversation, I mentioned that I had to go home, change and let the dog out. I would text him when I was ready so we could make plans. I sent him a message around 7 p.m. asking if he would be at the beach a while longer. He messaged me back, saying he was still eating but he'd be done soon. Some time went by, and I asked if I should head his way or if he preferred to come to my house. His response: 'not sure.' By this time, it was approaching 8:30. I could feel the disappointment, frustration and hurt rise up inside of me. So, I wrote back: 'your book is in my mailbox.'

Normally, I wouldn't throw in the towel so quickly, but I should mention that there was confusion the last time he went home to California, surrounding the fact that he left without saying goodbye. In addition, we had specifically talked about meeting up early yesterday. I tried not to have expectations, but I really didn't envision him letting me down, in the same way as last time. It was happening all over again.

I took a deep breath and sat with the feeling for a moment. I then grabbed my journal, got in my car and drove to my favorite restaurant. I called my friend Kristin on the way and asked her if she wanted to meet me there. As I waited for her to arrive, I ordered a glass of wine and my phone rang. I talked to him briefly. He invited me to his parents' house, but I explained that I had made other plans at that point. He seemed surprised to hear that I wasn't interested in coming over. It was 9 p.m. I told him I wasn't home and that he could come pick up the book from my mailbox. I expressed my feelings of disappointment. I hung up the phone, and I wrote in my journal as I waited for Kristin.

When she got there, we had a great conversation and ordered some appetizers. Towards the end of our meal, two of our other friends showed up. It was a nice surprise to see them, and they told us that a good band was playing at the bar downstairs. About an hour later, the four of us were drinking sangria, laughing, dancing and taking silly pictures. Kristin had a hoop in the car, so we busted that out. Everyone wanted to try it - from the band members to the servers and customers at the restaurant.

What had the potential to be a really shitty night was completely transformed into an impromptu girls' night out. I got home around 2 a.m. with a stomach sore from laughing.

We are the masters of our own destiny. Do not be a victim of circumstance. Create the reality you want.

Here and Now

To be happy, one must acknowledge things for the way they are at any given moment in time. We must make a conscious effort to seek acceptance. It may not be easy, but it's necessary for our well-being, mental health and spiritual growth.

So often, we set expectations, and many times, these expectations lead us to internal conflict. It's human nature to fantasize and to envision the way that we want things to be. Setting goals and developing positive intentions is important. But if things do not manifest the way that you envision them to, that does not mean you should give up on the end result. I spoke with a dear friend about this last night, and his words resonate. My friend lives this way (in the now), and he's one of the most positive people I've ever met.

These revelations are coming to me as I work to seek clarity in a situation that is/was clouding my thought process. Relationships tend to confuse me most.... I think that everyone wants love, and I am hopeful that my life's path will lead me to it. My intention is set. I envision myself in a loving, healthy relationship because my heart craves it. However, I know that patience is a virtue, and I recognize the need to honor each and every experience along the way. All I can do is be true to myself and true to the moments that I am blessed with. I'm learning to have faith in knowing that things will unfold the way they are meant to.

I met someone about eight months ago. There was an instant connection, and I began to develop feelings for this person right away. When we met, he was only here for a few months, visiting family and friends. And even though our time together was short, it was significant. When he returned home to California after his extended vacation, I was heart-broken to see him go.

In the months that followed, we did not do a very good job keeping in touch, for multiple reasons (he doesn't have a computer, our work schedules often conflict, the time change between FL and CA, etc.). So, when he told me he would be visiting for a week, I wasn't sure how I would feel when I saw him again. Would the connection be as strong as it was before? And if so, would I be willing to open up my heart to the sadness that I will inevitably feel when he leaves again? These fears and reservations are natural, but they can be powerful and toxic too.

I'm realizing now that my fantasy, my expectation, of the way I want things to be (even if only in my subconscious) may prevent me from being present in the moment. I develop scenarios in my mind, and I worry... wondering how he feels, if the relationship would/ could ever work, etc. These are natural thoughts, but at the same time, I'm recognizing that there is beauty in the unknown. Being here now is what matters most. For example, who's to say that if we lived in the same city and tried to make it work that it would be an ideal situation?

Life is not black or white. We live in color, and I choose to ride the wave of emotion and have the full experience of each and every moment. Projecting fears for the future and exerting energy worrying about what could happen or what might not happen will only prevent you from enjoying the beauty of now.

We experience emotion, and we may not like the fact that our reality is different than the way we envision things to be. But it's important not to lose sight of where we are right now. Enjoy the journey. There will never be another moment exactly like this one, so embrace it and know that you are more powerful than your fears. You only have so much energy to exude, so use it wisely. Quiet the thoughts and feelings that stem from negativity, worry and distress. In doing so, you will create more space for the moments that fill your heart with love and light. Tomorrow will be what it will. Be present in the now.