Rising Up, Towards the Sun

I remember the day Brad got his tattoo.  A big, beautiful sun on his arm.  I thought it was the coolest thing ever.  But then again, I admired most everything Brad did.  I asked a lot of questions... "Did it hurt?  How long did it take?  Where did the design come from?"

Brad loved the sun.  He spent so much time on the water - boating, wake boarding, swimming and just embracing the warm, natural rays shining down on him.  When I think of him, whether it's in a dream or in memory, I see a happy guy with curly blonde hair.  He's tan, wearing board shorts and always smiling in the sunlight.

He also loved sun imagery.  I remember a time in Cancun after we graduated from high school.  It was our big Senior Class trip... one last celebration before our group of friends set out for college, the military, etc.  Sipping on long island iced teas, we shopped in the local markets.  We came across sun-inspired sculptures, jewelry and trinkets.  He would spend lots of time admiring and critiquing the artwork.

The sun has, and always will be, a symbol for Brad.  During my freshman year of college, I got a blue sun tattoo on my hip, with purple accents.  Part of the reason I got it is because I admired Brad so much.  I figured that, by making the sun blue, it would be different enough from Brad's tattoo.  I didn't want him to think that I was copying him - but, in actuality, I was.  I never had a chance to show it to him.  He died soon after I got the tattoo.

Years later, after Brad passed away, Aaron and Jeff got the same tattoo that Brad had.  Uncle Rich did as well.  One by one, the rest of my family followed by honoring Brad with sun tattoos... my cousins, my aunt, my sister and even my mother.  Friends in our circle also got sun tattoos in Brad's memory.

Ironically, the sun is often used as a symbol for life and hope for tomorrow.  As the sun sets and rises everyday, it can also represent immortality.  It symbolizes the sacredness of life, as well as truth and light.

About a year ago, during an intense outdoor yoga class called "Heal Your Heart," I decided to get another tattoo.

The instructor (Seane Corn) asked us to dedicate our practice to something or someone who has touched our lives.  Brad immediately came to mind.  She spoke about the power of our thoughts and putting positive energy out into the world.  As I held a challenging yoga pose and began to shake, her words resonated.

In that moment, the sun peaked through the overcast sky and I felt Brad's presence.  I remember a tear sliding down my face as an image of a lotus flower appeared in my mind.  Considering I was at a yoga festival, I had seen the lotus flower often throughout the weekend retreat, but I didn't know what it meant.  This instructor continued to speak about growing stronger and learning from our past experiences.

Her words sank in, and it felt as though she was speaking to me directly.  She reminded me that we are all one, and she even spoke specifically about grief and depression.  I left that class feeling sweaty, inspired and whole.

I reflected on Sean Corn's words as I researched the meaning behind the lotus flower.  I was amazed to discover that the lotus represents the sun.

In Ancient Egypt, the lotus flower is associated with rebirth, considering the flower retracts into the water at night, and emerges fresh and beautiful in the Sun the next day. 


The Egyptians therefore associated the lotus flower with the sun which also disappeared in the night, only to re-emerge in the morning. Therefore the lotus came to symbolize the Sun and creation.  It is also said that the Sun God, Ra, was born from the Lotus flower.


In Buddhism, the lotus flower is known to be associated with purity, spiritual awakening and faithfulness. The flower is considered pure as it is able to emerge from murky waters in the morning and be perfectly clean. Therefore, in common with Egyptian mythology, the lotus is seen as a sign of rebirth, but additionally it is associated with purity. The breaking of the surface every morning is also suggestive of desire, this leads to it being associated with spiritual enlightenment.


Perhaps one of the strongest associations of the lotus flower with religion is that that is observed in Hinduism. In this religion the lotus flower meaning is associated with beauty, fertility, prosperity, spirituality, and eternity.

So, I decided to get a lotus tattoo with the sun rising up behind it.


Last Thursday,  I sat for three hours and remembered to breathe through the pain.  I thought of Brad (and Aaron too).

(it was raining outside so I couldn't take a photo in natural light... will change out with a better picture soon).

In Memory of Kat

It happened again. Another beautiful soul who left this Earth too soon. I don't know the specifics of her death, but I do know that it was suicide.

I first met Kat through my best friend, Kristin. It was soon after I moved to St. Pete five years ago. Kristin and I went out dancing, and we met up with Kat at a bar. I immediately noticed her physical beauty. And after seeing her rock out on the dance floor, I wasn't surprised to learn that she was both a model and a dancer. Kat was the first friend that Kristin made after relocating to Florida from Chicago.

There were a few girls' nights out that followed, and Kat started invited us to hoop dance at events she was involved with. She was heavy into the local music and dance scene. Considering I was just starting Hoola Monsters at the time, it was nice to connect with local DJs and begin to build my performance resume. One memorable performance was metal artist Frank Strunk's Wearable Art Fashion Show in Dunedin. Kat was one of his top models, and we hoop danced in the show's finale.

She always supported my vision for Hoola Monsters. The last time I saw her, she came out to the restaurant where I perform every Friday night just to take photos of me hooping, so she could promote my business. Kat had a big heart. When I close my eyes and think of her, I immediately see a smiling face, gracefully working her way around the dance floor.

I know that if my book had been finished, she would have been one of the first people to read it. I can't help but wonder if I had the book finished, maybe it would have helped her... Kat posted a message on my Facebook page two days before she died, saying that she was proud of me. She was an incredibly supportive friend.

Kristin now lives in San Francisco. We found out about Kat on the same day (after her memorial service), and I know that Kristin is having a hard time with the news (naturally). Kat was a good person, and she will be missed.

The MySpace Suicide: Megan Meier

This story breaks my heart...

Writing about Writing... and Silencing the Inner Critic

It's been 10 months since my last blog post.... Wow! I've taken a break from writing the book as well. Was it a conscious decision to refrain from writing or did life move at lightening speed, as it so often does? I think it's been a combination of both. I won't beat myself up about the break, though. I sometimes set goals that I don't reach. We all do. But it's important to recognize it and simply silence the inner crtic. Don't let that negative voice affect your purpose.

I decided last year that I would be finished with the book by now, and I'm not. I still have the most important section of the book to complete... the part about Brad's death. I've left a big hole in the middle of my writing - the moment I found out about Brad's death and the days and weeks that followed. I've left the hardest part for last, but I am ready to tackle it now. The creative process is interesting. Re-visiting this part of my journal will not be easy - but sometimes, the hardest things in life bring the most reward and promise. I know that I'm here to spread a message of hope and love. Tackling the sadness, hurt and inner demons is necessary. I'm ready to start writing again, and this time, I will push through the hard parts. Completion is near.

A friend once told me that when you are on the right track in following your path in life, things fall into place unexpectedly. I know this is true because I keep receiving confirmations. This isn't to say that bad things don't happen as well. But learning from our experiences and following our hearts enables us to continue moving forward.... we keep pressing along on our path until we are where we need to be.

If you were to tell me years ago, that I would someday be a featured speaker at a retreat intended to inspire women to live their dreams, I wouldn't have believed you. But it's happening this summer. I am so honored that my mentor, Jenny Fenig, has invited me to be an instrumental part of her incredible event, the Retreat for Goddesses. I first met Jenny during my last semester at the University of Florida. I was heavily involved in the Public Relations Student Society of America, and I was networking at a public relations conference in Chicago. Jenny was there, representing Porter Novelli - one of the top PR firms in the world and the agency of my dreams. Jenny was a University of Florida graduate, and we had mutual friends. I was nervous to meet her. I so desperately wanted to land a position at PN.

Fast forward six months, and Jenny helped to orchestrate my internship interview at Porter Novelli's home office in New York City. That internship turned into a full-time job, and I spent the next three years climbing the corporate ladder in NYC. There, Jenny and I developed a solid friendship and I looked up to her, both professionally and personally. Years later, she left corporate America to become a Life Coach and full time yoga instructor. Simultaneously, I started Hoola Monsters and left the corporate world also. Now, here we are! And how great is it that we get to inspire other women to live their dreams, while working together again in such a unique forum! We actually have a call scheduled tomorrow, and it's all about "Silencing the Inner Critic" (that little voice inside your head that tells you aren't good enough). If you'd like to join us, click here to learn more.

To top it off, I'm heading to the Retreat for Goddesses one week after I have the pleasure and honor of teaching at the HoopGirl Empowerment Retreat.

This week, I'm off to Vermont to be a part of Wanderlust Festival, with Wanderlust Tahoe right around the corner also. Take a moment to watch this video, and you'll see why I'm so addicted to this event. What's more, I'll be with two of my closest friends in Tahoe, so I know another exciting adventure is right around the corner. I am so grateful!

Life trips me out sometimes, but I know that I'm on the right track. BIG things are happening. I can feel it :)

Tunnel Vision and Recommended Reading

I have been plugging away on my manuscript, almost to the point of obsession. In my ideal world, I would stay in my pajamas all day to read and write (and sometimes, I do). I've been bad about returning phone calls and emails. I need to fall off the radar sometimes in order to focus on my writing. I want nothing more than to finish this book, do the story justice, and be proud of the work that I've accomplished. I apologize to any friends and family who I've neglected in the process. Right now, I have tunnel vision, and after two years of writing diligently, I know the end is near.

I have a goal set, and I'm on a mission to reach it now that I've secured an editor who is very well-connected in the publishing world. I aim to have the manuscript finished by December. The editor has agreed to read my book, offer her professional feedback, and guide me through the process of securing an agent (if need be) and getting published. She has a long-standing history working for a major publishing house, and she currently serves as a freelance editor and hosts workshops for aspiring authors. I'm so grateful to have made this connection!

I am watching the pieces of the puzzle click together and take shape. I think about my project non-stop, and at this point, I've read just about every book I can find on the topic of depression and suicide. However, the books that I'm drawn to are not authored by professionals (with the exception of a few authors who've had direct experiences with depression, bi-polar disorder or suicide).

I write at home, in bookstores and in coffee shops. Sometimes, being surrounded by books inspires me to work on my own, and I find comfort in this environment.

I was taking a break from one of my book store writing sessions when I decided to peruse the psychology section (once again). This time, however, I found a book that stopped me in my tracks. The book is called His Bright Light, and it's written by Danielle Steel, one of the world's most successful authors. Published in 2000, the book is an autobiography and a tribute to her son, Nick Traina, who took his own life at age 19. I purchased the book immediately, and, for a number of reasons, I haven't been able to put it down since. First, I was amazed to discover that one of the world's most famous authors had written a book on the very subject that I'm tackling. The similarities between the events that transpired are startling (Nick was the same age as Brad when he died by suicide and their deaths were only 10 months apart), while our stories are very different. Second, this is the first piece of literature that I've come across that is written in a similar voice as my own. There are so many "professional" books on the market, but very few are real-life accounts by the people who have been most impacted by suicide and depression. I'm guessing this is because the topic is still considered so taboo in our society. Quite frankly, it makes people uncomfortable, and it's easier to brush it under the rug than to confront it head-on. Plus, many suicide survivors and people who suffer from depression choose to cover things up or hide from the reality of it. It's not often that those who suffer want to air their dirty laundry and openly share their weakest moments. (I think about this often, and it's my biggest fear when it comes to my own writing). With that said, I think Danielle Steel is a brave woman, and I honor her for sharing her son's story.

In addition to His Bright Light, here are a few other books that have inspired me greatly:

No Time to Say Goodbye by Carla Fine
Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison
Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser

The Dark Side of Reality TV

"Reality" TV shows are becoming commonplace in our society. And based on show ratings, it's apparent that the general public has an insatiable interest in this growing trend in TV programming.

According to a recent article published on Truth.net, more people watched "American Idol" and "Dancing with the Stars" in the past two weeks than voted in the Presidential election in 2008, one of the most definitive elections so far in our lifetime. The article goes on to say, "the statistics surrounding reality TV suggest that we have checked out from reality and what really is."

And here is a disturbing look at "what really is": There have been more than 11 instances of former reality TV show contendors who have died by suicide. What's more... their deaths have been directly linked to the emotional trauma resulting from their reality TV ventures.

Larry King tackles the issue in this shocking and informative segment:


I have included a few additional news stories about reality TV show suicides. The first, titled "Dangers of Reality Television," examines the heart-breaking truth regarding what happened to these contestants after the shows aired:
Dangers of Reality Television

Psychologists speak about Reality TV show emotional trauma in this Wrap.com feature.

And this article profiles a case in which a young mother took her own life after a terrible encounter on the Nancy Grace show. Prior to appearing in court, the show's creator/ host pleaded to silence cameras in the courtroom. Fortunately, the judge did not comply: CNN article

I should also mention that uncovering this information was not easy. Stories like those listed above very rarely make national headlines, and if they do, it's for a very short period of time. After all, news about emotional trauma and suicides directly linked to reality TV would not promote a positive image for these ever-so-popular, revenue-generating shows. Could the media have anything to do with this highly newsworthy information being omitted from the general public? I'll let you be the judge of that. I should also mention that Reality TV show contestants are required to sign iron-clad confidentiality agreements, which prevent them from telling their sides of the story.

I am very interested to hear your thoughts...

Stop and Listen

Do you ever feel as though you're on autopilot? There are times when we do things because we just do them. Going through the motions, without much thought.... like brushing your teeth or turning onto the road where you live. I think we sometimes get into autopilot mode with music, too. We love the way a song sounds or how it makes us feel, but we don't really investigate the message behind it. Eventually, the music becomes habitual. Maybe we even sing along, without letting the words sink in.

I know that I'm guilty of this, and things slide by when I'm not paying attention. I've always considered 311 one of my favorite bands, and I've heard their songs time and time again. Same with Pearl Jam and Red Hot Chili Peppers. But I experienced songs by these artists and others, in a different way tonight, after doing a Google search for lyrics about suicide...

311: Beyond the Gray Sky


Red Hot Chili Peppers: The Otherside


Both of the above songs are on my Ipod, and I've seen 311 live on four different occassions. As for the following song... not only did I see it performed live, I was sitting on the side of the stage (thanks to a friend's connection at 98 Rock). But due to a generous supply of free beer backstage, I let these lyrics fly right over my head that night. I did, however, pay closer attention when I heard the song on the radio shortly thereafter.

Papa Roach, Last Resort


It dawned on me that I need to practice the art of 'listening and learning.' And if well-known musicians can tackle the taboo topic of suicide, then so can I. There are lots of negative opinions surrounding depression and people with suicidal tendencies. I sometimes worry about that, and I often need to remind myself that this work is much more important than the mindset of asanine critics.

This is the song I heard on the radio this evening, which sparked tonight's research project:
P.O.D. Youth of the Nation


And here's one more that resonated, particularly because survivors are heard here...


I'm fucking tackling this shit, and I'm not going to worry about what people may say or think. I've stopped reading the ignorant comments posted to news stories about suicide, by people who have no compassion. There will always be critics. There will always be people who don't agree or people who won't understand. But if we fall prey to what others might think, then we lose sight of why we are here in the first place. And I am here to write this book.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I need to write about writing sometimes because the subject matter can be so emotionally draining. These blog "pep talks" help me to process thoughts and move forward with the book project.