Thursday, May 30, 2013

Compassion, Gratitude and Love

You are loved. You are valued. You are worthy.  Count your blessings.  Be grateful.  Life is precious, and so are you.

I remember a time in my life when I would have been angered by statements like these.  I thought that no one understood me and that no one could relate.  During those dark days, I suffered from a deep depression, and I didn't know how to let love in.  I didn't believe people when they told me nice things, and I hated myself.  My mind was like a looping record... repeating self deprecating thoughts over and over again.  I think back to those days and all that's happened in between.  What changed?  Why was I one of the "lucky ones" who successfully disengaged the looping track?

Yesterday, a friend's daughter took her own life.  She was just a kid...  This friend is a beautiful human being.  I've always known her to have a smile on her face and to be surrounded by family and friends.  She's a loving mother, and my heart hurts for her in this moment.  How does one recover from the loss of a child to suicide?  I am sending love and praying for her healing.

How do we show up in the world and communicate so people get that they matter?  How do we reach people where they are and make a difference in their lives?  I don't have the answers, but I keep coming back to compassion, gratitude and love.  We must stop placing blame on ourselves and others.  We must BE the change that we wish to see in the world.  We must also forgive... forgiving one's self is sometimes the hardest thing to do, and it's necessary.

When I think back to my own struggle with depression and feelings of suicide, what stopped me was the fact that I didn't want to hurt my family and friends.  The reminder of my cousin's suicide and how it affected our family is what I kept going back to.  I thought that I had to live with the sadness and deal with it on my own because I was too ashamed to tell anyone about it.  I was angry with myself for being depressed.  I thought that I was a bad person because I couldn't control my feelings, and I should know better... especially after what happened with Brad.  I even thought that there was some universal mistake... that it was supposed to have been me, not him.

I spent years like this, and I eventually hit rock bottom... I was dragged to a psychiatrist by my mom and sister and put on medication, after a drunk driving incident that could have taken lives (including my own), and I was responsible for it.  This was my wake up call.

In the years that followed, I changed my diet and embarked on a spiritual, holistic healing path.  I went off of the prescription medication, and during that time, hoop dancing entered my life.  I escaped from negative internal chatter with flow.  It was a mental release and the most powerful healing tool for me.    I began to practice meditation, and I incorporated positive daily affirmations into my life.  I surrounded myself with uplifting people, and my entire world changed.  It didn't happen overnight.  It was a process that took time, discipline and effort.

I don't worry about having a breakdown with depression anymore.  I haven't had one in six years.  This is what healing looks like for me.  There are many different paths to healing, and I believe that people must access their own internal wisdom to discover what's best for them.

We can search for reasons and answers.  Or we can be present and show love.  We can't see into the minds of others, but we can be responsible for our own behaviors, actions and words.

Make eye contact and smile at a stranger.  Pay it forward.  Show random acts of kindness.  Help your neighbor.  Let someone know how much they mean to you.  Appreciate each day.  FORGIVE.  Know that every breath is a gift.  Be vulnerable.  Find a passion and pursue it.  Start a gratitude journal and write down 5 things you are grateful for every day.  GIVE.  LOVE. LIVE.

I love you, and I'm grateful that you are here.  You are a blessing and a gift.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Seeing With New Eyes

As living creatures, we are constantly growing and evolving.  When we are open to change, we have the ability to see things from different vantage points.  To experience this, we must first surrender control.  Then, it's possible to find freedom in the unknown and be accepting of what is.

New possibilities are constantly available to us, and most of the time, we don't know the details of how it will all play out.  It's ok to not know.  Surrendering to life's unexpected moments, challenges and opportunities is a major aspect of growth and transformation.  Coming to these realizations has enabled my book to take on new meaning; it feels like a living creature now.

My perspective has shifted during the writing process, and I finally feel as though I'm creating the book that it was always meant to be.  It looks nothing like I thought it would, when I first starting writing.

I'm sharing dark days from a place of love.

Feelings of fear, judgement, anger, resentment and guilt exist, in writing, from a different place and time.  Scribbled in hand-written journals, I reflect on the days when life was painful, and I was confused.  In those moments, when I poured my heart out on paper, I didn't see the world as I do today.

I look through eyes of love, without self-deprecating thoughts, resentment or blame.  I am grateful for the words that I wrote years ago.  I appreciate the path of self-discovery that began with pen and paper, and I believe that light is born from darkness.

The thoughts and feelings that I had when I was depressed are long gone.  I'm not as attached to my history and my old thought patterns anymore.  When I reflect on my journals, it often feels as though I'm reading someone else's words. I can visualize my present self sitting next to the little girl version of me, drying her tears and helping her to see that the sun will shine again.

I now get to communicate without attachment to beliefs and ideas that do not serve me or the world at large.  It feels amazing.

I think, perspective shifts in physical form too.  I just returned from a family visit to Inverness, my home town.  As a high schooler, I couldn't wait to leave.  I didn't see beauty in my surroundings because I didn't see beauty in myself.

Yesterday morning, I meditated with my sister underneath an old cypress tree with Spanish moss canopies hanging overhead.  We sat cross-legged facing the lake, eyes closed, and in silence... breathing fresh air and going inward.  When the meditation ended, I had tears in my eyes as I took in the beautiful place that I will always call home.  There were butterflies dancing nearby and fuzzy little caterpillars crawling on our blanket.


Beauty and love surround us always.  Where we choose to focus is what makes all the difference.





Guest Blog for TWLOHA

To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.  I've been following TWLOHA for almost five years, and I knew that I wanted to work with the organization somehow, someday.

When I was asked to be a guest blogger, I jumped at the opportunity.  I'm honored to share the published blog with you today...

The World Seems A Little Brighter

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Book Decalarations

- I will have the first draft of my book complete by May 20, 2013.
- The book will clearly and authentically communicate a message of healing and transformation.
- I commit to being vulnerable, inspirational, loving and compassionate with my written words.
- Readers of my book will get that they matter.
- I will have my book published by Hay House on or before August 15, 2013.
- My book will be on shelves at major book stores by October 1, 2013.

Friends, I ask for your support.  Check in with me.  Ask me how the book is coming along.  Send positive energy to me :)  Believe in me.  Thank you.